First Graze

Getting deadly on your treadly…

Have you and your humble treadly found any good locations where one can flirt with death or near fatal injury? A steep hill, frequented by trucks, above a rocky escarpment? A blind corner, leading the wrong way down a one way street? Don’t hog all the excitement, share the thrill by putting your destination on the map (just don’t die in the process).

*** To update the map: click on the link, press “edit”, click on blue balloon icon, mark destination, and leave a description (or post as a comment)

1) Corner of Little Collins and Swanston (Claire)
Little Collins = skinny and steep. Very fun. If you don’t get hit by a cab on your way down, you can always come close to hitting a tram or a horse and cart on Swanston.

2) Intersection of Punt rd and Swan st (Claire)
Not for the faint hearted. This one isn’t any fun, but crossing it on your treadly offers all the promise of death or near fatal injury.

3) Pedestrian Bridge (Claire)
You have to pedal hard on your way up the bridge. If you lose momentum, you might find yourself at a standstill and losing balance despite pedaling with all your might. It is worth it on the way down, you can build up some serious speed. On days when there are games, you might hit pedestrians. When the MCG is empty, you can just enjoy the feeling of screaming down the bridge and past the stadium at speeds faster than you can safely manage and pretend like you are winning a major sporting event.

4) Hill coming down High st, Northcote (Claire)
If you don’t put on the breaks it is terrifying and stunningly beautiful (especially at night – city lights). A worthy backdrop for a near death encounter.

5) Devil’s Elbow (Claire)
It is called that for a reason. The views however, are to die for.

6) Outside the MCG (from Juliet, Melbourne)
Be wary ye of minority race/creed/sexuality.
Week 1 upon arriving to Melbourne, cycling past here just in time for a footy match to be let out and was pedestrian-hooned by a middle-age, tracksuit-wearing hooligans shouting “Chiney on a bike!” (i’m asian) which made me nearly crash into parked car from was laughing so hard.

7) Best BMX pit ever (Claire)
If you can get past security, you’ve literally struck gold with this BMX superpit. There is the added risk of being hit by trucks the size of houses, but they don’t move very fast.

8) Denny Way, Seattle (Tim)
Made famous during the great snowfall of 2008 – see also the sledding, for the hell of it and the crazy bus hanging over the fucking highway.

9) Cycle to Heaven or to Hell in Sherbrooke Quebec (Jennifer Johnston)
Knock on the gates of Heaven by beginning your deadly cycle at the top of the notoriously steep hill on Rue King Ouest marked by a statue of an angel – wings spread.
This hill is best cycled during the winter months to take advantage of the ice, and sliding Quebecois drivers – *word to the wise, red traffic lights in Quebec are only a suggestion, and don’t bother with sidewalks they too are fair game for our francophone motorists.
If by some miracle you survive the steep decent, the anarchistic drivers, and even miss out on the plunge into the Massawippi River; Fear not for if the gates of Heaven won’t open, the entrance to Hell is just down the road.
Continue en route along Rue Queen to the Hells Angels Compound. Spot the barbed wire, rottweilers, and security mirrors; start peddling uphill you are here! One carefully aimed sniper shot – Hurray my friend! you are the next runner up in becoming a Hells Angels stiff.

10) Maddest Max (Juliet, Melbourne)
Riding back from Prahan, Claire, Alex and I convoying along, 2AM, busy Saturday night freeway.
Souped-up-lowrider pulls alongside us- 3 male teens, pupils the size of dinner plates with enough gel of their hair to make them walking molotov cocktails who tell us:
“Get off the road”!
We say, “FUCK YOU!”
They stop -reverse and proceed to drive alongside us, screaming abuse, i chuck my gum in their car through open window – someone takes off their belt – one tries to grab my wrist- we are all screaming and riding and veering and then approach a red light. Awkward moment – and they drive off.

11) Salvado Shin Shredder (Ange Stav, Perth)
For the ride of your life burn down salvado as fast as you can. You will encounter cars (parked and travelling – down the middle of the road probably) and one hell of an air jump before you come hurtling down towards the ocean cliff.

12: Hataitai Bus Tunnel (Joey)
This tunnel is just wide enough for a bus.. It is completely dark even during the day. It is the quickest route into the city from Hataitai, but is deadly! From inside the tunnel you can here the rumbling of the bus as it approaches and then see its headlights as it starts to head in. You have to peddle like a mouse on a treadmill to reach the other end. Bus drivers seem to enjoy going through at about 70km and can see you silhouetted in the approaching archway. They’d like nothing better than to run you beneath their wheels.

13) Carlton St Possum Dodger (Claire)
Not a huge hill by any means, but it does have a nice spread of speed bumps, you can get a bit of air if you don’t brake and pedal hard at the start. You also have to dodge possums when night riding, and sometimes heavy traffic and trams at the bottom on Nicholson.

14) Boathouse Rd (Claire)
Not the steepest of winding roads, but a beautiful place to go a little bit too fast and potentially come unstuck. If you survive the middle class bogans hooning around the carpark in their parents’ Mercedes, you could always ride across the bridge and up to bat country at dusk. From there, there are multiple deadly opportunities; you could follow the unmarked river trails, get a flat tyre and get eaten by a swarm of bats, or you could cut through the golf course for great views of the old lunatic asylum. While enjoying the view, you could be hit by a stray golf ball, or run into trouble for riding your bike on the green.

Posted in Deadly Treadly Destinations | 1 Comment